The clamour of the election is over and we are now heading towards summer – although it’s still a bit chilly out there – but the summery clothes are in the shops – and so are the Christmas decorations.

All of which is a reminder to us all to think about holiday arrangements. This can be especially trying for separated families where there are disagreements about parenting arrangements.

Gwyneth Paltrow, and musician Chris Martin announced they were separating after 10 years, and described it as “conscious uncoupling”. This may be an ideal – but notheless, the aim behind the NZ family law reforms has been for civilised separations without requiring the assistance of the court. So the reforms have provided for a number of out-of-court processes, including attendance at mediation (Family Dispute Resolution) and completion of the Parenting through Separation course (except in cases of urgency where these prerequisites are waived and people can go straight to court). More information can be found here.

Working out your own solutions as parents is better for everyone – on the understanding that you are able to find a good solution which works well for your children. In Britain, which has undergone similar reforms to NZ, reports are being made of ‘the new disappeared’- these are the people who used to make applications to court. We are seeing a similar trend in NZ

It is one thing to be making agreements between you as parents – but quite a different thing to be “stuck” – which is not good for anyone in the family.

So counselling and mediation remains important for anyone who feels they are not making headway. A neutral and well qualified professional who understands families and the best interests of children can be a real tie breaker and the resulting agreements can let everyone in their family get on with life and plans – grownups and children alike.

Best practice is careful navigation through the separation–like any journey it needs to be safe and with parents in charge of the itinerary. This work must always focus on what it is the children need. Some trained and experienced professionals will discuss with both parents the actual participation of their children in part of their parents’ process. Including children in the discussion has proven benefits to both parents and children when professionally managed. The research tells us that children often want a voice – and not a choice. When parents hear how their children are feeling, it can make a big difference to their joint parental ability to make the best decisions for the children. More information can be found here.

There is no legal solution, which comes even close to the positive impact of understanding of the relationship between the other parent and the child.

One of our strongest community values will, and must be, that of helping children – and the comparatively low cost community alternatives for dispute resolution are here to stay.

So as professionals we need to provide the best research based processes available for families. And families need to make informed choices about the services available which will most support them to look towards a well deserved and happy summer break.