Regret is a bit of a prickly cactus of an emotion. That backward-looking and rather unpleasant feeling where you blame yourself and wish you could undo the past – not to be confused with remorse (which is the guilt and disquiet we experience when we have hurt others by our actions). The hauntingly beautiful words of singer Edith Piaf, “Non, … Read More
NZ Herald: Why the pursuit of happiness is flawed
Everyone wants to be happy and for their loved ones to be happy. The quest for this Holy Grail has exercised the minds of philosophers, priests and poets throughout the centuries. “I’m terrified of waking up in mid-life and discovering that I’m not happy” is a theme I hear often from my clients. The anxiety about negative feelings seems to … Read More
NZ Herald: What’s the biggest relationship killer?
Of all the difficult emotions we know so well in life, there is one particular rogue which can stalk our relationships like the proverbial bad witch at a wedding, sucking up joy and spreading poison in its wake: Resentment. And like all bad witches, this one has a lot of power to cast bad spells on your wellbeing. “We never … Read More
NZ Herald: Why women won’t ‘put a ring on it’
There is one thing that keeps me perplexed in my counselling practice and it is this: I see so many lovely, intelligent young women with good incomes, independent lives and loving relationships with friends and family. They love their partner and that love is reciprocated. The big and distressing dilemma though, is waiting for him to pop the question. The … Read More
NZ Herald: Give Peace A Chance!
In case it slipped past you, International Day of Peace was on Monday. Established in 1981 by the United Nations the day is commemorated by education and public awareness on issues related to peace. The New Zealand Human Rights blog suggested we mark the day in our homes and communities and asked “who will you make peace with?” With all … Read More
NZ Herald: Seven warning signs you’re in a dangerous relationship
Unfortunately, it’s not news to any of us that the track record of domestic violence in this country is appalling. A Ministry of Justice document released just this month indicates New Zealand has one of the highest reported rates of intimate partner violence in the developed world. Last year police attended over 100,000 family violence incidents. On average, a family … Read More
NZ Herald: Why men and women deal differently with being dumped
Why do breakups feel so uniquely and universally hideous? They make you question yourself and your ability to maintain a relationship. You grieve the loss of the person who – until now – was the closest to you. It is, at least initially, a bleak space to be. Recently, social research was revealed about the way men and women deal … Read More
NZ Herald: 7 tips for co-parenting
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have brunch with their kids every Sunday even though the celebrity couple have split. Every so often, snippets of celebrity advice carry some nuggets of value, and there is no doubt that Paltrow sets a good example here. Quite simply, children who have parents who are separated but cooperative will do better than those whose … Read More
NZ Herald: Ignore stray-at-home dad propaganda
You may have read an alarming article warning women about the “stray-at-home-dad” effect. Househusbands, it asserted, are more likely to have affairs because “engaging in infidelity may be a way of re-establishing threatened masculinity”. And because, according to Dr Helen Fisher: “The type of man who chooses to stay at home is biologically wired to have an affair… he will, … Read More
NZ Herald: Do you listen to your inner bully?
The strength of naming our vulnerability “I’ll never find anyone”, “I always look frumpy”, “I’m just not good enough” – and on it goes. Most of us are familiar with the inner critic – some days “inner bully” is a better name for the voice upstairs. We all have bad days and whether we can self soothe and regulate that … Read More