When clients are seeking understanding about why their relationship appears to be falling apart, one of the signposts can often be what previous generations have termed the “need to give and take”. It’s hardly outdated as a piece of advice, but has recently been elevated into a serious study, and become the subject of a popular book. Adam Grant, academic … Read More
NZ Herald: Why is it so hard to say sorry?
The journey from feeling offended to feeling aggrieved is alarmingly brief if the stakes are high enough. And if the source of grievance is in the family or at work, the proverbial stone in the shoe can become almost impossible to endure. Being told to “move on” or “be the bigger person” just doesn’t cut it and often makes the … Read More
Sunday Star Times: Smartphones – changing how we fall in love
For two and a half decades Jill Goldson has been picking through the dramas of the families and couples who come to her for help. Over that time the Auckland counsellor and family mediator has identified four issues that come up again and again as a source of relationship friction: money, sex, parenting styles and the inlaws. But very recently, … Read More
NZ Herald: Christmas, a time for jealousy?
Just as we are downing tools in readiness for the typical holiday pursuits of relaxing, eating, drinking and hopefully making merry, an unbidden thought or two can sneak in. A young female client of mine recently said: “I feel sick and even angry as I watch friends plan lavish holiday celebrations and pack up for their baches. I never let … Read More
NZ Herald: When party season freaks you out
“Tis the season to be jolly” indeed, but what happens when you have to be jolly and you are terribly shy? Like my client Tilly* who speaks of her dread, not just of the looming office parties, but also of her reaction to the invitation from her new partner to his family Christmas party. “I can’t bear it,” she said, … Read More
NZ Herald: Is it possible to have no regrets?
Regret is a bit of a prickly cactus of an emotion. That backward-looking and rather unpleasant feeling where you blame yourself and wish you could undo the past – not to be confused with remorse (which is the guilt and disquiet we experience when we have hurt others by our actions). The hauntingly beautiful words of singer Edith Piaf, “Non, … Read More
NZ Herald: Why the pursuit of happiness is flawed
Everyone wants to be happy and for their loved ones to be happy. The quest for this Holy Grail has exercised the minds of philosophers, priests and poets throughout the centuries. “I’m terrified of waking up in mid-life and discovering that I’m not happy” is a theme I hear often from my clients. The anxiety about negative feelings seems to … Read More
NZ Herald: What’s the biggest relationship killer?
Of all the difficult emotions we know so well in life, there is one particular rogue which can stalk our relationships like the proverbial bad witch at a wedding, sucking up joy and spreading poison in its wake: Resentment. And like all bad witches, this one has a lot of power to cast bad spells on your wellbeing. “We never … Read More
NZ Herald: Why women won’t ‘put a ring on it’
There is one thing that keeps me perplexed in my counselling practice and it is this: I see so many lovely, intelligent young women with good incomes, independent lives and loving relationships with friends and family. They love their partner and that love is reciprocated. The big and distressing dilemma though, is waiting for him to pop the question. The … Read More
NZ Herald: Seven warning signs you’re in a dangerous relationship
Unfortunately, it’s not news to any of us that the track record of domestic violence in this country is appalling. A Ministry of Justice document released just this month indicates New Zealand has one of the highest reported rates of intimate partner violence in the developed world. Last year police attended over 100,000 family violence incidents. On average, a family … Read More